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  Let’s talk about AS, baby, let’s talk about its effect on me, let’s talk about all the good things, and the bad things, and what will be, let’s talk aaaaboouuuut, AS, let’stalkaboutAS!  Ankylosing Spondylitis.  That’s what AS is.  I was diagnosed formally 17 ago years this March. Posts about sickness, fatigue, struggle– they’re not very popular, they’re not that interesting really, particularly to anyone but the sickee, I know.  But I have had people ask, people close to me even, who ‘know’ but really don’t know.  I’m not sure that I should really care about the people who’ve been judgy, and probably talk about me behind the facade, but… Read More »Seeing the Invisible

   …it would dream of Dragons. To the girl who read by flashlight 40 years ago: Who wouldn’t want to stand and fight with, climb upon the back of, and fly with a dragon?   Soar high and free with a dragon?  Everyone knows (because how could you not?) that fire cannot kill a dragon. Dragons are fire.  Its central to their being. It’s the fire that lights up the dragon, that makes it special, beyond any reach of a mere human.  It’s how you defeat it.  Put it’s fire out.  It’s how you control it.  Tame it.  Keep its fire low.  But what happens to a dragon if that fire… Read More »If the Sky Could Dream

I took this picture January 8th, from my front window.  A glorious sunrise, that makes crawling out of your warm bed worth it.  It’s a struggle, if you love your bed as much as I do, and spend as much effort to make it as comfortable and inviting and sleep-inducing as mine.  The Struggle is Real, to quote Instagram.  But like many things in life, forcing yourself to do what you know is good for you, while tough, is ultimately it’s own reward. As the year mark of my blog post (that blew the stats out for views and was shared by an NA Facebook page, surprising me and opening… Read More »Sunrise

I always kind of hated that song in school.  It came out when I was in 5th or 6th grade, details lost; but it seemed such a squirmingly bad song, that took no songwriting skill and was almost embarrassing to listen to.  All the popular kids sang along at the top of their lungs, adding to my distaste (even then, I rebelled against the tide.)  I hadn’t thought about that song for long on at least 20+ years, until this morning, on my run, a remix called “I was Jack, You were Diane” made it’s way  onto my Spotify radio.  I was surprised at how those forgotten chords fell right… Read More »The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Einmal ist keinmal) or I was Jack, you were Diane

(Afterword:) This blog post was written in 2018. For updates, please refer to the post titled Sunrise     I stared at the dead squirrel for some time before I recognized it for what it was. Cold, frozen, grey; in the stance of death that renders figures unkindly. I kept flashing to my daughter, her hands flexed like the squirrel’s paws, the same grey color, the same mouth-slightly-open because death doesn’t allow for working muscles. Immediately, the stronger part of me would push it out with great force, refusing to look. Because looking means it will happen. It means I’ll see her the same way I was seeing the squirrel. I… Read More »The Darkest Year is Just Before Dawn

It’s been 16 months and 4 days since I have come to this page. I’ve come many times in my head.  I’ve written and discarded posts in the dusty attic that always seems to appear when I sit down to write.  I’ve scribbled a thousand yellowed pages with black scrawl all over them, crumpled them up and tossed them in shadowy corners, where they disappear like bugs that run as soon as the light hits them. Too much to say, too much to post, too much chance, too much information, too much me.  So little time, so little distance, so little anonymity. Then it became too much to catch, too… Read More »The Roar of the Silenced Mind

Larix Layallii Cedar Lakes Oh, End of September.  How gorgeous you can be.  I’d been backpacking over to the Cabs twice this year, but poor Scott only once.  We’d had a couple other nice trips this summer, but our (mine wholly) hearts will always reside in this most gorgeous, wild, and unpopulated spot in my beloved Montana.  We had a few days off, and although I didn’t feel very well the day before, we decided to zip over for a quick trip, since the weather pattern has been fantastic. We settled on Cedar Lakes, after speaking to one of the Rangers out of Libby, regarding trailhead closures.  Unfortunately, several of… Read More »Unwilling Swan Song: Upper Cedar Lake, Cabinet Wilderness Montana Sept 28-30, 2015

    The White Clouds– doesn’t take much imagination to surmise the origin of the name.  Spires of white granite rise cloud like into the bluest of skies. One of the newest designated Wilderness areas in the country, the Boulder-White Clouds Wilderness encompasses 142 sq miles.  Since we were so close, going into the Frank Church, we simply couldn’t NOT go.  After we spent the night in Challis, we drove a little farther south on Hwy 93 and then headed southwest then west on Hwy 75.  Can I just say that the drive is absolutely breathtaking?  I can not even begin to explain the colors of the desert sagebrush around us;… Read More »The White Clouds: Big Boulder Lakes (Frank Church Trip Part II) August 15-18 2015