I took this picture January 8th, from my front window. A glorious sunrise, that makes crawling out of your warm bed worth it. It’s a struggle, if you love your bed as much as I do, and spend as much effort to make it as comfortable and inviting and sleep-inducing as mine. The Struggle is Real, to quote Instagram. But like many things in life, forcing yourself to do what you know is good for you, while tough, is ultimately it’s own reward. As the year mark of my blog post (that blew the stats out for views and was shared by an NA Facebook page, surprising me and opening my eyes to the sad fact that honest and raw discussion about addiction is still unfortunately rare) regarding my daughter’s addiction has come and gone, I’ve been reflecting on the changes the year has brought. Usually, my blog posts make themselves. I don’t sit down and find things to write about. They find me. (Which explains the large gaps between posts, I suppose.) This felt like it needed attention, though; a second episode. Many in my life, and the few I keep close, know the second half of the story; but for those who don’t, here’s where that story stands now.
Happy is an interesting word. It’s lightly meant but heavily used, and encompasses a broad spectrum of meanings. But when you are, you know. You know deep in the heart of you. You can’t even hide it. It shines out, like the brightest sunlight that will find any crack in a wall or window or space it can find. It’s intense, and healing, and empowering. It’s also a backdrop, the foundation that should be under all else, because it’s about one’s self. Happiness comes from within. To be truly happy, when life aligns itself with the ‘things’, events, and trappings that we traditionally associate with happiness –“if I could only get rid of all my debt/lose this weight/have a better job etc”–one really needs to be happy and at peace with yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfection, it doesn’t ‘end’ at a certain point, it’s a lifelong job, to accept yourself, and evolve. But loving yourself, is the foundation of true happiness, true love, and peace, no matter what.
So, long story short, my daughter celebrated her year clean birthday on February 14th. Valentine’s day. A day dedicated to love. The day her, and her boyfriend, (who is no less remarkable and amazing) decided they loved themselves. It became clear, over time, that what they said, they were doing. That they were, in fact, recovering. That they were, and will continue, to choose to love themselves, every day. When you’ve lived with addiction and it’s immensely devastating effects on your life, your world, your soul– your trust is something that erodes to almost nothing, or pretty much, yeah…nothing. But that’s the thing about trust. It can, really, be earned back. When someone is actually walking the talk, it’s clear. It really happens– the truth shall set you free. Living your life with honesty, with integrity, will always result in trust, and when combined with recognition of your own worth, and dignity, makes for the elusive enclave of happiness. My daughter and her boyfriend gave birth to a beautiful, healthy (and the happiest baby I’ve ever damn seen) daughter on November 24th. For some, this would be a stress and worry that might break them. For her, it was a like a beacon of light locked on to her heart, a laser beam, and I’ve never seen anything so wonderful as the love between them. The whole year, leading up, I watched them get themselves together; move into a decent apartment, make it a happy little home, dedicate consistent time to recovery steps, take care of themselves, heal old wounds and affronts, and every time I was able to physically see her, it was completely clear, she was different. She was the whole person she deserves to be, that she loved herself, that she was finally, truly, clean of her addiction. Does this mean she doesn’t have to ever worry again? Absolutely not. Recovery is a choice every day. But love grows stronger, every time it is welcomed into the heart. Loving herself every day, and loving her child every day, she strengthens it power. It is the giant force of blinding light surrounding her that overwhelms the darkness of addiction, whenever it tries to re-enter her world.
When her dad, brother and I attended her birthday celebration of one year clean, it was such a beautiful gift, to see so many who understood first hand the power of that love and the support they offer. They were gracious to allow us into their world, a world where trust is something not freely given, and must be earned, rightly so. I was filled with an enormous sense of gratitude and thankfulness, for these people who support and lift up one another, while fighting their own demons, and trusting three humans they’ve never met before to listen to their vulnerability, and their heart. I left with the grateful knowledge that she is not alone; her boyfriend is not alone; that they are loved and supported. Little by little, love has worked it’s magic, and soothed the scars, the pain, the anxiety of watching addiction ravage the piece of your heart you let out into the world when you become a parent. I am grateful for the luck they have had, in the benefactors who saw the humans behind the addiction, who understood, that RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE, who supported them and knew they, as all addicts are, were worthy of that chance.
The last two years were the hardest years of my life to this date. Surviving them seemed practically impossible; but through it I’ve learned to love myself too. It’s taught me so much; softened my edges, broadened my mind, given me depth, and clarity, and growth. While I wouldn’t wish my experiences on anyone else, I’m deeply grateful that I was given them. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am at this very moment. The saying goes, ‘when you stop living (growing), you start dying’. Although I admit, I’ll take a respite from major life lessons for a little bit –winkwinknudgenudge, Life are you listening?– I am thankful I’ve learned the ones I have. To really love someone else and enjoy the relationships you are offered, begins with loving yourself. Happiness isn’t a thing, or a goal; it’s place in your mind, a feeling in your heart. A feeling that cushions you when the inevitable challenges of living in the world come up. The experiences of the last couple years have taught me that, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. The sun has come up, that beautiful, glowing light, it’s warm on my face; the promise of summer is heavy in that warmth, and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.
